New Year’s Resolutions – A Cetacean Declaration for 2019

Another year has swam by, and with the 2019 year shining brightly before us, we all look forward to that day when we can sit down and scribble away at our future goals and resolutions. With pen in hand, and a blank paper before us, we dream of our future six packs, rock solid diets, and perfect manners. We get pumped up, and ready to show the world our dedication, resolving to get past February 1st when the gym starts to look like our least favorite chore.

Whale! We’re not the only ones under this big blue sky that jot down their hefty aspirations. The itch to do better, be better, and live better has tickled our most favorite sea friendly fellows, and as a special treat they’ve shared their list of New Year’s resolutions with us.

They have requested that in return for their sharing their delightful list of goals, we must swear on sailor’s honor, and make sure to not point fins if we spot them without their six packs by June.

All aboard? Sailor scouts honor?

Alrighty then. Let’s dive right in!

Cetacean Declaration 2019

Barbara, the Blue Whale – Overcome bacon bit addiction:

Hi guys! I’m Barbara. Barbara THE blue whale. My friends call me barb, but I prefer Queen B.

I’m not so big on making a list of all the things I need to improve upon. In fact, I prefer to focus on the superb qualities I possess, but seeing as I ate waaaaay too many krill cakes during this past Christmas break, I’ve decided that a few things need to be adjusted in my big blue life.

For example, my bacon bit addiction.

You may think that bacon is only gobbled up by humans, but could something really so tasty be only reserved for people with phalanges? I think not! My Tuesday cobb salad would be nothing without the delectable sprinkle of bite sized bacon bits atop my fresh sea greens. I love these babies so much that to say I “sprinkle” these pretty pork portions on my salad, would be an understatement, and most friends ask me if I’m going to add any salad to my bacon. Laugh all you want, the only thing not chuckling is my waistline. Which has led me to resolve in cutting back on the oh so yummy bacon bits.

2019 Cetacean Declaration Resolution: This Queen B will be eating more krill, and less bacon. So, if you spot me up top on one of your fancy fine whale watching cruises, please do not tempt me with your junior bacon cheeseburger. The struggle is real people, and it’s not nice to show off your bacon like that.

Gary, the Gray Whale – Dodge gnarly crab traps:

Greetings. I am Gary. Gary the gray whale. Please do not confuse me with my brother Bruce. We look quite similar, but the bejeweled barnacles atop my back are far snazzier, and the lovely lice atop my mottled skin are a bit friendlier.

What’s not friendly is the enormous amount of gunk left in our oceans, the place I call home. For a fella with lice, you may be wondering why I am complaining about gunk, when I swim around with a bit of it everyday, but I’m not touching on the mottled features of my gray whale self. I’m talking about the overwhelming amount of fishing gear we spot and dodge in the ocean during our daily lap swims.

Just several months ago, three days before my four-year anniversary to my sweetheart, Loraine, I popped into a gnarly crab trap, resting right outside my favorite jeweler’s shop. I wish I had seen it sooner, but before I knew it, I was tangled up, and having a hard time seeing out of my left eye due the trap’s large size and constricting wires. It wasn’t long until my efforts to shake off the ropes attached to this trap caused me to become more deeply nestled in its rough twine.

After several long minutes of rocking and rolling, (and not with my fav, Hendrix,) a small vessel carrying a few seafaring friends, including a familiar face, Captain Dave, came by carrying long tools in their paws. At first I was terrified, wondering if they were about to go Moby Dick whalers on me, but soon discovered that they were only there to help, as their long tools aimed for the ropes and wiring around my favorite barnacles. After what seemed like hours, I broke free and skedaddled away before that clingy crab trap compadre attempted to sport the snuggles again.

I finally arrived home, and decided to plop down in front of tube, hoping that it would calm my nerves from the intimate encounter I just had. I was sure that Ellen would be the one to sooth my traumatized soul, but unfortunately, her snazzy dance moves and clever jokes caused me to grow restless. I finally decided to open up my diary, and make myself a promise. A promise that I would try a little better to never run into one of those crab traps again. Thank goodness for the first of the year, when I have a solid reason to stay true to that promise, and pronounce my cetacean declaration resolution for 2019: to keep my eyes out for them gnarly, not so fun, traps and gear. Of course, a set of nice toned flippers is in the works, and I’m working extra hard on paying off my car debt by September, but my dodging skills are at the top of my Cetacean Declaration. Hopefully next year you’ll catch me here again, but not in one of those crab traps or gill nets. Be good to the ocean my land lovin’ friends, and Happy New Year!

Bruno, the Humpback Whale – Make it into the school choir:

Hola Amigo’s! I am Bruno. Bruno the humpback whale. After spending some solid time today showing off my playful antics, and fancy flukes, I’m stoked to be able to chill out a bit and share my number one news years’ resolution with you.

2019 Cetacean Declaration Resolution: Make the school choir.

You may think that I’m only famous for my handsome pectoral flippers, and knobbly head, but did you know that I enjoy singing a good tune here and again? Not only do I give Ms. Mariah a run for her perfect pitch melody, but I’ve recently been looking into the choir scene. Yep! Robe me up, and paint me soprano, I’m ready to carol!

Oh, so you think a big ol’ whale with a spotted tail can’t prime the pipes?  You got another thing comin’. In fact, I’m not the only deep sea Señor who knows how to jam it up. You know all about how the newt plays the flute, the carp plays the harp, the plaice plays the bass, and they soundin’ sharp. The bass play the brass, the chub plays the tub, the fluke is the duke of soul! The ray he can play, the lings on the strings, the trout rockin’ out, the blackfish she sings, the smelt and the sprat, they know where it’s at, and oh that blow fish blooooow.

Now, if that underwater glee club doesn’t get your tail fluke tappin’, I don’t know what does. I’m so determined to join this deep sea “coral” group by May, that I’ve basically converted all my neighbors to earplugs, and have given the humparentals more of a reason to get me out of their sand castle basement. It’ll take time, and I’ve got quite the competition here in the deep blue, but Bruno won’t be going belly up on this resolution, and has only come to party…falsetto style!

Sandy, the Sea Turtle – Go with the flow, ride with the current:

Hi there! My name is Sandy. Sandy the swanky sea turtle. I dwell in the underwater world of cetaceans, crabs, and cuttlefish, making my way across the deep blue. Throughout my journeys I encounter everything from shark attacks, oil spills, dolphin stampedes, and Carnival cruises. With so much going on, one might wonder how a cute little turtle keeps her cool? Well, it’s not always easy, and it’s sure not a crab cake walk down here either. From accidental catches from human folks, entanglement in marine debris, vessel collisions, and damages and changes to habitats, a Testudines’ gotta play it tough in here! In fact, some days are quite a hurdle for this cute little turtle.

With not too many friends to keep me company, and many, many miles to trek, I tend to get a little anxious, and sometimes a little blue. Which leads me to my number one Cetacean Declaration Resolution for 2019: Go with the flow and ride with the current.

I’ll be sporting up this aspiration by implementing some deep-sea meditation, sea foam bubble baths, and chakrasana poses at my local coral reef studio. Not only will these practices play well into my flow riding resolution, but I’ve been told they’ll do wonders for my mature age of 80.

With wrinkles, cellulite, cataracts, and lower shell pain, one’s gotta learn how to relax, and take it easy down here. Here’s to a new year, and a new yogi me!

Cindy and Carl, the Common Dolphins – Keep the love life flame aburnin’:

Hi! I am Cindy! And hey, I am Carl! We are your cutesy cool cetaceans, cruising the open ocean. With Christmas carols behind us, and thanksgiving turkey leftovers far gone, we are looking forward to this amazing new year! We’ve embraced this resolution season, and decided to sport it up together.

2019 Cetacean Declaration Resolution: A romantic date night every weekend. Yep! Every weekend. You may be wondering why we’ve chosen to pop this on the list, but humans aren’t the only ones striving to keep the love life spark alive. With a pod of mouths to feed, overtime in the office, and yard work to be had, a couple common dolphins can find it challenging to make time for one another.

How will we go about doing this? In addition to a little Friday night flirting with some flipper holding, we’ve decided to join a local west coast swing class. There’s nothing like suiting up in some stilettos, and frolicking away with the boo! Thank goodness for the first of the year when we can resolve to do something such as this. Here’s to keeping the love life flame aburnin’!

Sammy, the Sea Lion – Make it onto the buoy:

First, before we dive in… For the record: I am NOT a seal. I am a sea lion. I have ears! Ears, people. Seals do not, (at least not the ones you can see.) Also! Unlike my similar look alike pals, the seals, I’ve got rotating back hips. Yeah, these hips don’t lie, fellas. Just wanted to get that out there before I pour my new year, new me heart out.

Okay, now that we’ve settled that sour soup of sardines…

My Cetacean Declaration Resolution for the 2019 year?

Get Paul off of the buoy!! That guy. Really! A complete buoy potato. Have you seen him lately? He lies out there like he owns the thing. Sprawled out like your favorite kilim rug, soaking in every bit of sunshine that SoCal has to offer. Now this wouldn’t be such a big deal if there was a buoy around every other swell, but these waters are a bit scanty when it comes to my favorite lounging pad.

I’ve been tempted to let my ferocious sea lion self out, and rawr at this guy, but that only leads to me sounding like Pongo with a sore throat. Every Sammy needs his day in the sunlight, and if Paul doesn’t go on vacation soon, this sea lion may very well start a petition. Petition, barking, or bumping him off the buoy, whatever a roaring sea lion has to do accomplish one mighty fine resolution! Hopefully the next time you spot me, I’ll be resting atop that beautiful buoy, basking in the sunny SoCal sunlight. Happy New Year Y’all!

Piper Ann, the Brown Pelican – Go organic; stay organic:

It seems as though it was just yesterday when I was diving into my local grocery store, checking every label on my favorite fish filet. My nit-picking label days were not brought on by a current keto or paleo diet, rather they were initiated by a heart wrenching eggocide taking place in my very own nest. My spiffy and speckled chicklet eggs were turning into not so spiffy pools of scrambled eggs, and as much as I love a good breakfast burrito, when it comes to my hatchlings, I’d rather hold off on the runny eggs. After a batch or two of not so lively baby birdies, I began to realize that something was not so right in my world.

I, as well as several kind-loving human folk, came to realize that a chemical plant had been oozing thousands of pounds of pesticides in Los Angeles county sewers for years! Not only were pesticides coming from this chemical plant, but waste from local land sewers were being flushed into my dinner bowl! The fishies I was feasting on were packed full of pesticides, leaving my insides icky, and the shells of my incubated offspring far too thin to outlast their necessary growth spurts. In order for my family tree to take root, I knew that something had to change. So! I decided then, and I’ve decided now, to go organic. Yep, Traders Joes knows what’s going on, and so do I!

2019 Cetacean Declaration Resolution: Go organic, and stay organic.

Fortunately, much has changed since I’ve stuck to this resolution. Many of the pesticides that were being discharged into my dinner bowl, have been banned, and instead of reading the label on each and every fish, I can freely dine on the majority of sardines and fish available to me at my local grocer. No more sadly baby birdies here. This family tree is ready to take root! Or should I say flight? Wow, that’d be quite a sight! Yay yay for an organic new year!

Shirley the Sardine – Simply stay alive:

Stay alive. The end.

Oh! And get Tony to ask me out. That too.

Gotta go! There’s a zippy cetacean after me. Happy New Year!

Sonny, the Great White Shark – Smile more, and more friends:

“Fierce!” “Epic!” “Predator!” “Leg chomper!” “Terror of the ocean!” With names like that, a fella may find it difficult to make a friend or two down here. I mean, of course, I’ve got my Ma, and don’t get me wrong, she’s GREAT! But this great white needs a little more variety in his social life besides Friday night bake nights, and Sunday morning scrapbooking with the parentals. I’ve tried just about everything to make some solid compadres here in the big sea, but my fellow swimmers are just not having it.

I thought I’d go with the, “show off your skills,” bit – hoping that it would attract some matey’s, but my chomping down on fishing vessels, and attacking shark viewing cages has only made it worse. When I sport the simple chat-a-lat scenario, most conversations go a lot like this…

Me: “Hey! Ya wanna hang out tonight?”

Marine Mammal Matey: “Eh, I don’t know. I’ve got a hot date tomorrow night, and I’d rather go with both my fins, if ya know what I mean?”

If I’m lucky, a chat can sometimes go like this:

Me: “Hi there! I’m hoping to hit up the cinema this weekend, and catch that new flick about the tadpole that turns into a Megalodon. You in?!”

Friendly cetacean: “Ah, sure? But can we facetime for it?”

As much as I love a little FaceTime with some bro’s, it’s really not enough! Day after day, I coast about the deep blue, hoping to find a good soul who would maybe want to sport up a quick game of catch, or get a cup of joe, but every time I ask that, the seals skedaddle, every joe shrieks with terror, and I’m left wondering if it was because of my breath. I even fancied it up in Hollywood for the big movie called Jaws, thinking that would definitely get the pals to gather, but no way. Not one cetacean even asked for my autograph, and that show was killer! Literally!

I get it, alright. I get it. I am fierce! And I am epic! But I’m also awesome, and now and again I enjoy a little quality time with a cool confidant. My sweet Ma even gave me the name of Sonny, knowing exactly that this jazz would go down in my life, but even that hasn’t aided me in my companion quest.

So, what’s a sophisticated shark to do in such a slim sidekick situation? Besides a warm and fuzzy name, and showing off my radsauce chomping skills, I’ve decided that I may need to try something a little more simple.

2019 Cetacean Declaration Resolution: Smile more.

This fierce fishy is ready to cheese it up! Pop me on your favorite Crest commercial, I’m ready to seas the day, one smile at a time. Hopefully it will bring the pals in, but in the meantime, I’ll embrace this new side of me… because, hey! I look goooooood.

There ya have it, matey’s. After loads of countless resolutions given to us from our most favorite sea friendly fellows, (great white included,) we’ve spiced up this cetacean declaration list, and shared it with you. We hope it will get you more and more pumped up to accomplish your own hefty resolutions, and look forward to seeing you at the gym. Only until February though, of course. Good luck with those six packs, and mortgage payments. We’re off to see if Sammy made it on to the buoy! Happy New Year!